H O O K E D - 10 Signs of Drunkeness

10 Signs of Drunkeness

Written by Lee Xin En

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A study by researchers at Victoria University in New Zealand have found that the feeling of being drunk is really in the mind. The researchers came to the conclusion after tricking 148 students into believing they were drinking vodka to study the placebo effect of alcohol. Half of them were told that they were drinking vodka when all were given only plain water with limes.

Those who thought they were drinking vodka were later found to have more symptoms of being drunk than those who knew that they were not.

        This study really caught my eye, especially after I was asked to make a list of how to identify drunkards. If being drunk is really in the mind, then it seems that displaying traits of being drunk is something which is learned.

        I don't major in Sociology, so I can't go into the specifics of how society inculcates certain expectations of behaviour in people, but in short, this study shows that people see how drunk people are supposed to behave and accordingly, when they are drunk, they display the same characteristics.

        Addiction researcher Griffith Edwards says that: "Intoxication with alcohol is a temporary chemically induced mental disorder where the intoxicated person is generally not out of touch with reality, but will still respond to what culture dictates." Therefore, there isn't actually a scientific basis of what constitutes to being drunk. Just look at the variation in laws relating to drink-driving in different countries.

This article is getting mighty boring, I must be something quite genius to be able to make writing about drunk behaviour academic. Let's cut to the chase. How do you identify if the hot guy/babe throwing furtive glances your way is actually really "with the fairies" (the first of 10 euphemisms I will introduce for being drunk)? Or if it's time to insist that your merry friend singing "God Save the Queen" in his boxers should head home?

In keeping with my academic style, I will henceforth refer to the suspect accused of being drunk as "The Suspect."

Sign #1: The Drunken Prawn

Reddened body parts are generally a symptom of drunken-ness, so yes, it is pretty probably that The Suspect is drunk. However, there is a common belief that puking will help The Suspect feel better since he is vomiting the alcohol in his system. In reality, most of what he retches is not going to be the alcohol because alcohol goes straight to the small intestine and is absorbed by the liver.

So scientifically, The Suspect still has alcohol in his system, but from my personal observation, the effects of alcohol (in this case, redness) do wear off even when it is flowing in the person's veins while his liver cries bloody murder...

Sign #2: The Flirt

I was going to do a "The Superficial" thing (check out the brilliant website) and write that making out with un-attractive people constitutes to being jeremied (euphemism 2, sorry if your name is Jeremy. But Jeremy is jeremied is pretty damn funny), but I realized that some people make out with well, ugly people all the time, and err, to be fair, even ugly people can have very attractive wallets...and personalities. Plus, Donald Trump makes babies with his wife! I'm sure Mrs Trump is not high on champagne all the time.

        But booze brings out the best and (more often) worst in people - and including an innate modern phenomena of loneliness, which therefore leads to the tendency to cling on to another person during a drunken state of mind. Physical contact leads to more physical contact, and before we know it, a baby! I think that's what the recent movie, Knocked Up is all about.

Sign #3: The Dancer

        Once again, I wanted to write "dance in an insane manner" but some people have two left feet, and enjoy doing the Mambo to electro-trance, so who am I to judge?

        Generally, alcohol gives people adrenaline and makes them less restrained. Adrenaline and a lack of restraint add up to a need to move the body. (Yes, that's alcohonomics, it's a very complicated branch of mathematics and economies, which only Noam Chomsky and I study it.)

        Thanks to the iPod advertisement, moving the body now equates to grooving. There's even a dance move for it and it's called four to the floor (euphemism number 3 sure makes a lot of sense).

Sign #4: The Singer

        Other than being one of the best things people invented since sliced bread and airconditioning, singing is also a great form of un-restrained expression, which is why it's easy for us to believe that Paris Hilton is an amazing singer. Her video of pure vocal genius "Stars are Blind" demonstrates such intense love. She couldn't have done it without her extremely difficult and trying lifestyle. Can you imagine what she goes through? Paparazzi, deciding between the latest Balenciaga Weekender or new Chanel bowling bag, what clothes (not) to wear for the filming of her next sex tape etc...it's really a tough (simple) life.

        Back to the point. When people are monkey-full (euphemism 4), they feel happy and when they feel happy, they sing! Check out the sound of music, Julie Andrews really liked babysitting the kids! It's either that people are feeling really merry or that they feel really murderous (Chicago). The same principle also applies when people are really sloshed (euphemism 5). Once again, alcohonomics - very profound. I don't really understand it sometimes.

Sign #5: The Homeworkaholic

        Gasp! That means NUS is full of alcoholics. After all, you see them everywhere - at the libraries, the canteens, random benches etc. Of course, this rule doesn't work such that everyone doing their homework is langered (euphemism 6) but I'm told that American students at top Ivy League colleges like taking a swig or two (okay, maybe more than that) of the Absolut bottle before starting on their essays.

        Now, we know getting drunk is no good, but getting drunk on homework? That's baaaad.

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