I have a couple of really domesticated friends who take to the kitchen once they are drunk and make really amazing pasta. I think I'm risking their dignities by putting this up. I mean, you get a girl newcastled (euphemism 7) and she makes you the meal of your life? That must be a vague impression of a man's idea of heaven.

        For the un-domesticated, I think they need a bit of a courage-giving liquid before moving into that very daunting space called "the kitchen." 

Sign #7: The Facebook Fanatic

        Facebook is evil. Like an absurdist play, it's not just the content that you put on facebook that tells us something about you but what you do on Facebook.

        It's very telling when some people start uploading pictures from prom night six years ago and putting subtitles like "hohoho I think the girl fifth to the right is really hot... I like her so much, I actually stole this picture of her from the Netball noticeboard and stuck it in my wallet..." or most of the time, simply gibberish. 

        Another obvious sign of drunken state on facebook is when you start slapping/groping/pinching/punching/karate-chopping/hadoukening/throwing a sheep at your friends (or not) a million times.

Sign #8: The Youtube Addict

        I don't know what's pretty about photos with a dark background and a lot of tomato-coloured faces, but it's like the new black (or Mariah Carey, whatever is a great comeback). Seems like we all like our faces better when we're all nicely irrigated with a horizontal lubricant. And that euphemism is courtesy of BBC UK and has nothing to do with me or Noam Chomsky or alcohonomics.

Sign #9: The Dialer

        CLEO ran an article about how drunkards tend to dial everyone on their phones, especially after a rough patch. Particularly people they have had been in a bad relationship with. What can I say? People have too many regrets, so being un-restrained is the only way they can vent their true feelings. Random thought - the Japanese samurai clan must have been a scary bunch when pished (euphemism 9). I think unhappy people should go for a haircut, it really works wonders.

        However, I can bear testimony to this trait of drunken-ness. I remember being my friend's secretary after one particularly rowdy night. She handed me her phone and said: "Talk to Justin Finch-Fletchy*." Justin Finch-Fletchy picked up the phone and muttered his hello. I was told to relate to him her great unhappinesss over their messy break-up and this had gone on for an undesirable amount of time...until she puked all over me.

        * Name changed to ensure that writer still has friends after publication of this article

Sign #10: Drinking your own puke

        This guy can surely survive in the jungle. All that regurgitation surely means he's out of his tree (euphemism 10!), unless he thinks he's a cow.

        Fine, so this isn't the best conclusion, but considering the insane things people do these days, these benchmarks of drunken-ness aren't even close to being definitive. I mean, anyone can do all (alright, most) of the above-mentioned things when sober.

        You know what's definitive of drunkardness though? If you're Amy Winehouse (oh, how apt is thy name).**

 

        ** Nothing against Winehouse, but her performance at the VMAs was incredibly appalling. That's what drinking does to you. hooked

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