As I sit there, watching all the 'bananas' drink
their Starbucks coffee, clad in their Fandi tote-bags and Kuchi
shoes (did I get the brand names right? Oh, never mind!), I am filled
with the desire to be like them - to be atas (read: high class).
10. Learn French or Latin
Some languages just sound more atas then English. French is one of them. You could sound refined even if you cursed in French. So, when trying to appear atas, use French liberally. Don’t say please, say s’il vous plait; tell people that you wear eu de toilette, despite what you may think it sounds like.
Latin is good for appearing cleverer than you really are. Say anything in Latin, and it sounds like you’re a scholar. Latin phrases are a time-tested way of masking incompetence, as some of our Members of Parliament can attest to - res ipsa loquitur.
9. Accented English
Speak English with a fake accent, and the best is a British one. For some reason, people equate a British accent with social stature. But don’t mispronounce words, or else you’ll be found out.
Go on, show everyone how powderful your Engrish is.
8. Fake Speaking into a Cellphone
This is a good way to appear terribly busy and important.
When you want to impress someone, whip out your cell phone and start speaking into it. Say things like: “Yes, I’ll be there to sign the deal tomorrow…” or “Yes, Prime Minister, I understand your dire need for my assistance.” Say this with a great deal of aplomb.
Oh, just make sure your phone doesn’t start ringing halfway through your fake call!
7. Pretend to Understand
Acting intelligent is the next best thing to actually being intelligent, and it’s far easier.
When people are talking about complex issues like human embryo stem cell research or non-linear equations, nod your head and say things like “Yes, I concur” or “I was intrigued by that article in the journal.”
Don’t worry about being quizzed on the article. No one actually reads those science journals. If they claim to, most of them are faking as well.
6. Use Big Words
Never use a normal word when you can use a long and archaic one. Never say “everyone agreed,” say “it was unequivocal”; don’t say “she can’t teach well,” say “her pedagogy is vacuous.”
Using long words will either make people think you’re intelligent, or that you’re a pompous jackass. Either way, it’ll still be a step up.
5. Sneak into High-class Parties
This is going to be difficult.
These parties are not something you can just walk into. They usually have large, burly men at the entrance to keep people like us out. So, to get in, you must be devious and cunning.
Say that you’re a waiter working there, or try saying that you just need to use the loo. Pretend to have lost your invitation, and make your excuses using the big words and French.
When you get thrown out into the trash bins outside by the bouncers, be sure to maintain your dignity, and try to land in an atas manner at least.
4. Social Escort to the Real 'Atas’ People
You can fake your way into the high society by hiring yourself out as an escort for atas people, who are rich but lonely and can’t otherwise find a date to accompany them to posh parties.
But hold on just a minute, why would someone rich and atas not be able to find a date?
The only reason I can think of is that the atas person may be hideously ugly. Following that line of logic, people who see you dating a hideusly ugly person will assume that you’re doing it solely for the money (which may not be untrue). This will lower your social standing even further, so maybe this is not such a good idea after all.
3. Branded Goods
Only wear or carry things with Italian or French brand names. You know, Prada, Yves Saint Laurent (by the way, DO NOT try saying “Yves Saint Laurent”. You will be exposed for the fraud you are).
I know what you’re thinking: “How can I afford all those ang moh (read: western) brands?”
You don’t have to buy the genuine products, just get counterfeits! I mean, you’re already faking atas-ness, so you might as well fake this too. No one can actually tell the difference. The genuine ones and the fake ones are both made by the same sweatshop in Thailand, so there’s no real difference, other than the genuine ones costing MUCH more.
2. Have An Atas Affair
This is better than being an escort. Instead of one-time payment, you get a steady flow of cash! You’ll get all the perks of atas-hood, like the branded goods, swanky cars and sycophantic hangers-on.
Additionally, you’ll get the thrill and excitement of having an affair.
There are drawbacks, however. You may have to put up with being seen as a ‘toy-boy’ or ‘toy-girl’ or something like that. You may also get caught by your lover’s spouse, who may try to take revenge.
But don’t worry too much. Jealous atas spouses can’t punch very well.
1. Steal
This is the most reliable and least complicated way to appear atas.
Steal a posh car. When you see a car you like, hotwire it and drive it around. Steal a house you like by threatening the owner with a large machete of some sort. Shoplift for nice clothes.
Bottom line: steal, rob, pilfer, stun, swipe, whatever you want to call it. Simple, reliable, no hassle.
The only drawback: if you get caught, you go to jail. But no sweat, you can always cut a rap album once you get out and make a pile of money. You’ll still be atas. hooked
Images courtesy of Google Images
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Written by Guest on 2008-03-31 21:24:52
i'll have you know that people DO read science journals! |
Written by Guest on 2008-03-31 22:16:29
exactly. just because you're ignorant doesn't mean other people are. |
Written by Guest on 2008-03-31 22:26:36
Haha this article darn funnie! |
Written by Guest on 2008-03-31 23:21:31
Hahaha. Very amusing. There are 'fake' people tt fulfil some of the criteria above though.  |
Written by Guest on 2008-04-01 01:34:46
Point 7 is great! It's the most practical thing we should all learn to do  |
Written by Guest on 2008-04-01 09:20:15
haha. a real light heated article. relax lah. dun fight over whether people read science journals or not. haha. gosh. |
Written by Guest on 2008-04-01 12:26:31
the real one are not made by a sweatshop in thailand, for goodness sake |
Written by Guest on 2008-04-02 04:42:52
hahaha. Eh, come on lah. Don't tell me you people are taking EVERYTHING in this article seriously? : D Some ARE practical, though  |
more notes on faking atas
Written by Guest on 2008-04-02 12:23:10
since this article is kinna amateurish at teaching one how to fake atas, i shall help (:
10) if u cannot acquire a french or latin accent don't continue learning. seriously. go on to point 9.
9) u do not need an accent. u just need to slang without singlish in it. when people ask about why u speak in that particular manner, say u were brought up in china, russia, albania and the US/UK before returning to singapore hence the combination of different culture. (:
5) to get into high class parties, for girls, u gotta have the figure, the face and the right dress; then just walk in. if u are asked for an invitation, say ur friend is already inside. try james/ david - these usually work.
3) before u wrap yourself up in fakes, do ur homework. spend some money on the catalog. bring it to the fake store and get the exact same one. if u stink at spot the difference, buy second/third/forth hand. say ur aunt passed it to u. its vintage! |
